rezonanca

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fotofagi

dana 2 travnja, 2014

Nekako pred kraj srednje skole ili pred upisom na faks pisala sam nesto kao razgovore s bogom (ne dragi dnevnice, jer se sjecam da je to bilo razdoblje u kom jesam imala odredjene ambicije ali ne i ustrajnost (mastu?) da bih izmisljala likove i vodila ih kroz radnju, dakle, ne kao samopomoc nego kao napisat cu- objavit ce -mase zaludjet ce):
Te sam listove (jer u tom sam ih obliku sacuvala. da, bilo je to tako davno) naslovila Fotofagi – žderači svjetla.
Na istoj hrpi listina, dicta su koja nam je davala nasa profesorica, kojoj smo, tako su rekli, bili posljednja generacija. Sve odreda su u tonu: Tko ucini dobro djelo neka zaboravi! Dobar covjek uvijek pocetnik! Lijek za nepravdu je zaborav! Slican se slicnom raduje! a Magarac magarca cese!
Sto li je ta jadna zena prozivljavala u zadnjim godinama staza? Zapravo tek sad naslucujem.

Ima u mojoj zbornici ljudi u cijoj blizini osjecam uzasavajucu zjapecu prazninu. I ako bih se dulje zadrzala tamo, bojim se da bi me ta praznina usisala.
I ne radi se samo o besmislenim razgovorima (o kojima je cesto ovdje…), o besmislenim nadmetanjima (da, ti su ljudi u neprekidnim sukobima na racun “znanja”, imanja, izgleda, mladosti & ljepote, koeficijenata i radnih zaduzenja. jedni s drugima, sa svojim ucenicima i s njihovim roditeljima) ni besmislenim dokazivanjima.

Evo sad mi masta(?) spaja likove s naslovom mi posta.

Da sam u stalnom strahu? Jadan bi to bio zivot.
U stalnom sam cudu!

Ali radi se o onom kojem ne bih blizu. 
Jer se bojim za svoju besmrtnu dusu.


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